Fatherhood

I am becoming aware of the relationship between parenthood and time. This little creature, who is small in mass, but enormous in meaning, has created, like gravity, a force between my life now, and my life to come. Before I held my daughter, time seemed endless, something in the distant horizon - but it is now accelerating towards me at an alarming pace.

Six months might not seem like a long time to experience parenthood, but I assure you, the changing perspective that it creates is instantaneous. I am now charged with a very important task, a task that is overwhelming in its scope. I have to make sure I don't screw up - which unfortunately isn't a very easy task considering how screwed up I myself am. It's like every night I go to bed praying to God: "Ok God, please don't let me screw this up". God doesn't usually answer me when I talk to him, I usually hear this pretty strong voice that sounds really familiar pointing out every mistake I've made the past decade, the past year, the past day, and think, "Oh dear Lord, my kid is going to turn out like me, a high school drop out" or, "what if she suffers from lung disease or depression"? Or, what if this happens, what if she chokes on that button on her shirt, what if she suffocates on the blanket in her crib? What if she is allergic to apples? Apples God! Don't let her be allergic to apples! What if she gets epilepsy like Katie on Degrassi Jr. High? What if the zombie apocalypse happens and they eat my baby alive?!?! (Thanks a lot, scene with the child seat on The Walking Dead). Pretty much I worry about her every day, from the moment I knew she existed, until thirty minutes ago.

Childhood seems very close to me because it is now staring at me in the face every day. The future seems to be on a collision course with me, and I sometimes wonder if I'll be able to get out the way....

I have not accomplished a single professional goal in my entire life. I can't help but feel so disappointed, like I letting down one of the most important persons in my life. I know her life is so simple now, but soon she will grow old and no matter how hard I try, I will make a mistake, I will say something absurd, and I will let her down. That is the most terrifying thing... I don't want to be an embarrassment, I don't want to let her down.

I am constantly being reminded of how important this life is. For all the anxiety, there also comes a new passion for doing good in the world. I see my wife shine as a mom - the love she lavishes on Holly makes me feel so lucky.

I've never understood why some men treat women like garbage. Now I am completely flabbergasted and have no clue how fathers of daughters can treat women like garbage.

First of all, much love and admiration for what my wife went through. It's insane. I don't think there is any other word that I can think of. Some people use beautiful to describe it. I guess I get that....

But it is pure madness. I've always loved my wife to pieces, but she is now my number one hero.

Insanity.

But here I am, six months later, and I literally just wake up in the morning to this little smiling bundle of joy, who is usually laughing at a wall or something. Then she just usually laughs and smiles, naps, wakes up, does a bunch more laughing and smiling, and then it's off to bed ready for some more awesomeness the next day.

I know things won't always be this simple - but going through it with such an amazing wife, and a daughter that makes me so proud makes all those fears and anxieties, and frustrations seem a little bit more manageable. No matter what happens, my little daughter has brought joy into my heart every single day of her existence, even now she is pointing us to the grace and love of God.

What a nice little surprise.